Woody Allen quotes | Thousands Of Quotes

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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Woody Allen

Chess

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Woody Allen

Laughter

I am two with nature.

Woody Allen

Nature

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Woody Allen

Government

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Woody Allen

Change

Life

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

Woody Allen

Wife

Want

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

Death

Want

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Woody Allen

Success

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Woody Allen

Parents

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Woody Allen

Education

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Woody Allen

Suicide

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Woody Allen

Nothingness

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Woody Allen

Dying

Lying