I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I like children - fried.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.