Steven Wright quotes

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What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
Word
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
Purpose
Books
Children
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright
Numbers
Writing
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
Autobiography
Writing
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
Word
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
God
People
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
Thoughts
Worth
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Steven Wright
Rest
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
Pet
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
People
Cards
Night
Poker
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
Argument
Man
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
Mimes
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
Steven Wright
Light
Traveling
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Steven Wright
Friend
Baby
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
Fish
Fishing