Steven Wright quotes

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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
Future
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright
Thought
Reading
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright
Mind
Trying
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
Walking
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
Thinking
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Steven Wright
Open
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
Night
Old
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
Time
Walking
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Steven Wright
Press
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
Hate
Night
Will
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright
Washington
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
Want
World
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
Coffee
Employees
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
Steven Wright
Money
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
Pressure