I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

Hermits have no peer pressure.