Steven Wright quotes | Thousands Of Quotes

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How young can you die of old age?

Steven Wright

Age

Old

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Steven Wright

Time

Water

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Steven Wright

People

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Steven Wright

Worry

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Steven Wright

Now

Water

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

Walking

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Steven Wright

Car

Driving

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

World

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Steven Wright

Car

People

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Steven Wright

People

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright

Birthday

Fight

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Steven Wright

Luck

Years

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright

Museums