My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.