Henny Youngman quotes | Thousands Of Quotes

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Henny Youngman

Help

Woman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Henny Youngman

Car

Man

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

Holidays

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

Henny Youngman

Horses

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Henny Youngman

Time

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Henny Youngman

Dad

Time

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

Marriage

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

Henny Youngman

Time

First

Take my wife... Please!

Henny Youngman

Wife

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Henny Youngman

Man

School

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

Wife