If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.