Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.