Phyllis Diller quotes | Thousands Of Quotes

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What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Phyllis Diller

Blood

Old

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Phyllis Diller

Old

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Phyllis Diller

Time

Argument

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Phyllis Diller

Kitchen

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Phyllis Diller

Growing up

Kids

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

Chance

Housework

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Phyllis Diller

Justice

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller

Children

Want

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

Phyllis Diller

Years

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Phyllis Diller

Husband

Words

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

Phyllis Diller

Baseball

Kids

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.