David Letterman quotes | Thousands Of Quotes

Search for quotes

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?

David Letterman

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

David Letterman

Now

Thanksgiving

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

David Letterman

Old

Saying

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

David Letterman

Business

There is no off position on the genius switch.

David Letterman

Genius

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

David Letterman

President

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

David Letterman

Iraq

News

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.