Dave Barry quotes

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Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Dave Barry
Life
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Dave Barry
Fish
Fishing
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Dave Barry
Chess
End
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry
Circumstances
Night
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
Dave Barry
Art
Money
Experts
Public
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave Barry
Golf
Open
Today
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Dave Barry
American
Will
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
Dave Barry
October
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
Dave Barry
Example
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Dave Barry
Car
Racing
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Dave Barry
Business
Taxes
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
Dave Barry
Man
Today
Want
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Dave Barry
Business
Nature
Camping
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
Dave Barry
Being
Ireland
Sheep
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
Dave Barry
Job