In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.