I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.

I'm a walking, talking enigma.

I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter.

I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.

And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.

Drugs scared me.

Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.

I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.