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We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Jon Stewart

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is.

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

Jon Stewart

News

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

Jon Stewart

Work

Action

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

Jon Stewart

Movies

Actor

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'

Jon Stewart

Debate

President

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Jon Stewart

Character

Body

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

Jon Stewart

Dreams

Feelings

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

Jon Stewart

Amusement

Talk

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Jon Stewart

Food