Joan Rivers quotes

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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers
Money
Happiness
People
Key
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers
Beauty
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
Work
God
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers
God
History
Mystery
Present
Today
Tomorrow
Yesterday
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
Time
First
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers
War
Thought
World
World war
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Joan Rivers
Oil
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers
Audiences
Therapy
Unhappiness
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers
Dumb
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers
Control
Birth control
Now
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Joan Rivers
Sex
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan Rivers
Sex
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers
Food
Favorite
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
God
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers
God
Bed
Country
Living
Open
Sky
Television