The laughter of man is more terrible than his tears, and takes more forms hollow, heartless, mirthless, maniacal.

The dog has seldom been successful in pulling man up to its level of sagacity, but man has frequently dragged the dog down to his.

The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people - that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature.

I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.

Unless artists can remember what it was to be a little boy, they are only half complete as artist and as man.

We all have faults, and mine is being wicked.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance.

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.

A word to the wise is not sufficient if it doesn't make sense.

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.