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When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

Fran Lebowitz

Purpose

Sense

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Fran Lebowitz

Land

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

Fran Lebowitz

People

Talk

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

Fran Lebowitz

Success

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.

Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

Fran Lebowitz

Nature

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Fran Lebowitz

Life

Sleep

My favorite animal is steak.

Fran Lebowitz

Favorite

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.

Fran Lebowitz

First

Want

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Fran Lebowitz

Conversation