Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.

The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.

The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.