You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.