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Ours is a government of checks and balances. The Mafia and crooked businessmen make out checks, and the politicians and other compromised officials improve their bank balances.

Steve Allen

Government

Politicians

The hair is real - it's the head that's a fake.

Steve Allen

Hair

Totalitarianism is patriotism institutionalized.

Steve Allen

Patriotism

One of the nice things about problems is that a good many of them do not exist except in our imaginations.

Steve Allen

Problems

Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

Steve Allen

Dogs

Smoking

In a rational society we would want our presidents to be teachers. In our actual society we insist they be cheerleaders.

If there is a God, the phrase that must disgust him is - holy war.

If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed tomorrow.

I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.

Steve Allen

Mind

Now

Dark energy is perhaps the biggest mystery in physics.