Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.