The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.