Mitch Hedberg quotes | Thousands Of Quotes

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Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Mitch Hedberg

Children

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Mitch Hedberg

Dogs

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Mitch Hedberg

People

Eyes

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Mitch Hedberg

Funny

Jokes

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Mitch Hedberg

Business

Fire

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

Mitch Hedberg

Disillusion

Pen

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

Cause

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Mitch Hedberg

Caring

Pen

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Mitch Hedberg

Wrong

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Mitch Hedberg

Saying

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.