Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Religion is just mind control.