I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.