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People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

Emo Philips

People

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Emo Philips

Worth

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

Friend

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Emo Philips

Worth

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

Emo Philips

Jokes

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Emo Philips

Computer

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Emo Philips

Reason

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Emo Philips

School

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Emo Philips

Night

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Emo Philips

Night

Trying