Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready.

What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Love is a promise delivered already broken.