I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV.

Before you can hit the jackpot, you have to put a coin in the machine.

Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.

Funny is an attitude.

I think Mr. Wilson will have to be the rest of the way alone.

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.

My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

The devil made me do it.

Violence is a tool of the ignorant.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.