I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'.

I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day.

There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.