It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.