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On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

Erma Bombeck

Skin

Sun

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

Erma Bombeck

Literary

Suicide

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Erma Bombeck

Family

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

Erma Bombeck

Society

Clothes

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Erma Bombeck

Old

Security

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Erma Bombeck

Women

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.