A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.